Patches of Grace

Jesus At The Bottom Of The Barrel

By Bonnie Winters

Psalm 73: 25-26 “Whom have I in heaven but you?

I desire you more than anything on earth. My health

may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God

remains the strength of my heart; He is mine forever.”(NLB)

Have you ever had a “bottom-of-the-barrel” experience?

It was the early 70’s and formula feeding was discouraged; after all, real women breastfed their babies because it was better for both mother and baby. Every three hours nurses brought David for his feeding. But from the beginning, we had trouble connecting. After each feeding, they’d whisk him back to the nursery and feed him a sugar-water solution. At the next feeding, he would be too sleepy to nurse because they fed him in the nursery. So the cycle would start all over again.

Once I get home, things will improve,I thought, desperately wanting to do it right. But things didn’t improve. David cried almost constantly and didn’t seem to be gaining any weight. At his 6-week check-up, the pediatrician ranted at me for starving my baby. I was a miserable failure as a mom.

For the next five months, I lived under a black cloud of depression. I got up, formula-fed the baby, did what needed to be done at home. But inside, I believed I was a horrible person; not even God could love me because of my failures. I lay facedown at the bottom of my barrel, feeling totally alone and sorry for myself.

A woman from church who needed a lot of attention called one day and confronted me about my selfishness. It didn’t matter that I was suffering - because I was the pastor’s wife, I was supposed to put my own feelings aside and meet her needs. Her comments slapped me in the face as she affirmed my worthlessness and failures. When she finished I retreated to the kitchen table, hid my face in my hands and cried out all my hurts and frustrations until I was empty and exhausted.

As a whisper is magnified in a cave, His still small voice spoke to my empty, lonely heart at the bottom of my barrel. For the first time in months, I heard His voice comforting me.

“I love you,” He said softly.

The darkness faded and I rested in His hand as He lifted me out of my depression. Though my health, both mental and physical, had failed, God was still with me. When all else failed, Jesus was there – the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Lord thank You for being there even when the howling emotions inside drown out Your voice. Be the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Amen.

What is your barrel called? Whether it’s depression, pain, loss, grief or any number of heart-numbing emotions, Jesus is there. He wants to be the strength of your life and your portion forever. Allow the old hurts and frustrations to drain out of your heart. Then listen for His still, small voice. He will be there to help lift you out of the muck and mire.

Previously published in Reflections on July17th 2006.

Coming soon! Bonnie's new book Daughter of Scarlet

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“I KNOW THAT I WAS IN HIS PLAN”

by Myrtle Virginia Thompson, Guest Writer

(Sing to the tune of "Danny Boy")

“Oh, Wondrous Shepherd, I am just a wand’ring sheep

You came to live, and die for all mankind

You saw me long before I knew you as my God

You chose my way, for I was in Your Plan!

“Oh, Wondrous Love, far greater than my words can tell

When I remember, what You’ve done for me

You took a wand’ring sheep and have redeemed my soul

And with your Love, You set my spirit free!

“Oh, Love of God, so pure, so free, so wonderful

Oh, Precious Blood, ‘twas shed on Calvary

I never can, by human wisdom understand

Yet this I know, that I was in Your Plan!

“This Precious Shepherd came from Heav’n to give me life

He lived on earth, and showed me how to die

He came a babe and walked the roads of Galilee

He lived a man, and brought me victory.

“Oh, Praise His Name! This Shepherd lives for- ever!

He’s there for us, and longs to hear our prayer

He sees our needs and satisfies our heart’s desire

Though wayward sheep, yet we are in His Plan!

“This Very God, the One Who gave His life for all

Will intercede, as long as earth shall stand;

And when someday, we see Him face to face at last,

It will be then— we’ll understand His Plan.

“Oh, Wondrous Shepherd, I am still a wand’ring sheep

Take Thou my life, and make it all Thine own

None other can compare among the gods of men

‘Twas Calvary where all Thy love was shown.

“That plan of Thine, which brought salvation full and free

Will stand through time, and all Eternity

For God’s Great Grace that purchased and redeemed my soul

Has proved to me that I was in His plan.”

This 83 year old retired missionary teaches a large senior aged Sunday School class. Recently she shared this song with them—" We sang this one Sunday, and I found it interesting that many were moved almost to tears as they sang. What a wonderful gift is the knowledge that God knows us!"

[Editor Note: Thank you for sharing it with US! Myrtle can be contacted via mvtgrt@gmail.com]